Pages of Santa Scorese’S Diary 10 November 1986 - 6 May 1987 [translated by Stefania Castiglione]

Warning: Text drawn from the edition cured by the Prof.Giuseppe Micunco for the Bari Diocese. The Biblical citations brought back in notes are not indicated in the manuscript, but they have been inserted from the Prof. Micunco "in order to find the richness of the Biblical language of Saint and to favor the reading." Words and expressions in boldtype correspond to what Saint Scorese had evidenced in the manuscript.

Bari, 10 november 1986 - h 10 p.m.

Today is a day like others and indeed i did not succeeded in the purpose that I had made myself: remembering sometimes about Jesus and offer what I was doing in that moment (1). to Him. I realize how my everyday life can make me sterile, we don’t undertand how wonderful life is. Just through our faith we can live well!!!

I spoke with Giuseppe Gatti and he says that I am too shiny when i am with him. He does not want to admit it, but in my opinion it’s positive that we have discussed about it, and it’s also good for me. But after I have lost my patience with Giuseppe and Raffaele and I was bad with them, so tomorrow I must beg their pardon: I must begin to be humble!

Sandra and I have telephoned Sestilio. Maybe he was busy but i felt he was tired and strange and at first he asked to me how things were going on but I have felt myself in embarrassment and have endured closed.

I think i will write him something, I really want to thank him for his help, but do not think it will be enough. Now, however I have to stop writing and I ask You, Father, to be close to everyone who hurts, but also to whom is happy, because of their joy ! (2). Please take care about Sestilio, I really care about him and I know that deep in his heart he loves you.

Bari, 16 november 1986 h 9,15 p.m.

I am here after visiting once again to the House of the Vergin. Beeing honest I don’t feel too much satisfied but bI must thank Carmencita for the chance and for the meditation that she has given to me.

Sure my relationship with God is not stronger then before but I can not keep on living this way.So I have an agreement with Jesus: I will keep on fighting with Him and I will try to abandon myself in Him more (fighting between God and Giacobbe) (3). I must learn to believe in Him more and that he will never betray me. Moreover I must learn to recognize the G.A. faces and to love it. If I do not love it in my pains how could I understand the pains of the others?Irene’s words return me in mind when she said that this was G.A. (4): she loved and that's all!

I do not understand why I feel this way, so tired, I should go outside and love, stop thinking of me. I must study more for school, and the examinations can not limit bu force my life. I know that if I love the others , I am happier.I can’t be happy for books me are useful. I must try to make all for Your love, to learn to say Maria: we care about G.I.M.

I remember the phrase : You, be ability, I will be your river ". I must increase my heart and make it humbler (5). These are the words that I repeat myself, but it is so difficult to keep on loving. However it must start again and now I feel myself stronger because I trust in You, my God.

PS. Thanks for giving me Carmencita.

Bari, 7 december 1986 h 7,50 p.m.

How long!!!
I lived so many experiences in this period,I will never forget them.life. Perhaps they will make me decide truly what I want to do with my life. I have discovered what means beeing loved by someone and I fell so good for once in my life

I realized that I am able to love, and I want to do it. I want a man, with whom I can share my life with what truly I wish in my life, sharing with him my Ideal. If I gave my life to God, maybe I cuold betray Him even with my thoughts. Maybe God allows me to live my experiences in order to choose well. Now I am so quiet.

I am sure that God will let me know my choice. God I thank You for the person You put on my side. I make so many mistakes!!!

Bari, 7 January 1987 h 03,00 p.m.

Today the school is began and I always succeed to fail! It was hard for me today to start, but I had made an agreement with Jesus and I wanted to see all those that I would have met, with new eyes, as if it were the first time that saw them, but that it was not happened.

I went to Sestilio to return his book ,he wanted me to stay more,but I run away from him. Poor boy! At school i realized my limits and I didn’t manage in loving who was by my side (example, Marcella). With Sestilio i was not so kind, but there is something inside of me that makes me behave this way. Maybe I care about him more, but I have to think and do something... I must go for now. See you later.

"Do not try with God " (7) (Notes).

In the Bible the protagonist is not man but God. Mysteriously God seeks man (8). But he burns His dreams, he unexpectedly reveals with proposals and messages that upset its life. Unavoidablly it puts it to test (9).

"Sign of God's love".

... We need to be purified to let God be that. Good and merciful Father, he visits us with the test. He creates for us, I mean, those situations of desert, affective solitudine, refused by someone, fight and fall..., of which we nee for being freed from our idols. In these situations we understand what we have in our heart, if it’s real or not: our true face is discovered.
True acquaintance of God does not exist that is not born in the solitudine of a desert and not mature between the difficulties of the test.

"Choosing God".

Two things must be clear: 1) in order to make experience in God we must be brave and choose; 2) these choices must have precise characteristics.

"Freedom to forget itself"

The problem solving is in one radical change: from being loved to love in a pure way.

"A long walk"

We must hold on and go ahead everyday, although all our coldness, ours faults. Go ahead, even if meeting Christ is just an hope, like burning desire that seems to escape from us, like a deep sadness for a disered but never had love, like pain for having chosen sometimes other loves
Desire, sadness, pain: falling in love, is also this. History of a man who seeks for God; history of God that lets who love Him, find Him. It is thestory of us, written by God, lived in human hearts (10)".

Bari, 7 March 1987 h 2,00 p.m.

I am so sad!
It can seem strange, but I feel that Mary is therefore part of my life that if someone speaks against Her I feel that it is against me.

Today Sestilio made me understand about it. Some catholics say that Mary was not virgin and this dogma is for dumms.How is it possible?

I see that science and faith have different point of view, but the Virgin was not a normal woman,one like ue, the Son fo God doesn’t born every day. And I do not agree with whom says that the Pope sould think about his matters and do not talk about science. I ask miyself;if Jesus should be here today,shouldn’t he say the same?

Today I felt I couldn’t stay there without saying a word. Everyone who believes like me, should say something about that.

I thought abuot the Mother and the Eternal Father’s pain in that moment, and I felt a great this way for too. If I think abuot the phrase of Jesus on the cross: "Mother here is your son. Son here is your Mother "(11), ), I see how much we are ungrateful in the comparisons with Mary, than just in the greater pain she had much love in order to receive not a single son, but an entire humanity.

Bari, 11 marzo 1987 h 9,15 p.m.

I want to thank the Eternal Father for all which has given to me today. Thanks because of my job. I have understood how much You love me and make me to feel You close. Sure, I have seen the other’s pain, but it was the chance to be One with them, as Chiara says in the last connection. I had to be happy for me, but that I had to make something also for my companions and the minimum that could do was inviting them to my house in order to have an hot tea.I know well that my house is small, poor, but I felt that this did not count and that the important was to just love and dying me (12) I felt richer and more loved. It is just true that only when you give ,you can be loved. I want to thank the Father for the gift of Angel. His presence is so important, someone with whom dividing the Ideal, in an atmosphere as the school I would not have had anybody with whom speaking, opening my heart. It seemed to me that there was Jesus there with me walking lovingly up and down with me, listening to me.

I am so happy because I've recognized G.A.’s face when I tried to speak with Sestilio. I do not want that our friendshipcould be broken, but it is difficult to make him understand it. He never wants to talk to me alone..What can I do? Maybe I should wait a little time and trusting in Jesus and Mary, sure of her maternal presence.

I see everything depends on my feelings. Even the messages that You, God, send to me. That’s why I ask you therefore a new hear (13), renewed, opened and always available. I ask you the chance to be close to You always,never betray You ,and of having You like my all, first of all.
Thanks! With serenity, Santa.

Bari, 16 April 1987 h 10,00 p.m.

How long!
I do not know what really pushes to me, but feel that there is something that it is going to happen. This is a strange period, i don’t feel well the Ideal well and it seems that people close to me do not exist. I can’t find an explanation for whatever I do. Even about the school. the exams will arrive and I don’t study enough and seriously. But the problem is that i don’t feel serene inside, i just think too much and don’t live with my heart. It seems to me to return the old Santa who did not know the Ideal. I feel I need to believe more in God and discover Love. I feel so full of prejudices and judgments about the other persons. I feel also that I do not succeed to construct one true unit with all the others.

But, today, I have uncovered that I am not the only one, even in the Rosaria Maria's voice, I understoodher doubts and will to realize the ideal.

I don’t think I’ll never talk to Teresa and Rosaria, they scare me, just like the Gentile.I will stand (perhaps) for Jesus’s love that I have chosen, the Abandoned Jesus.

It is also hard to see the Teresa and Rosaria’s laughing, as if the others did not exist, but I keep on standing it because I have made one very precise choice that is not but to lose the own dignity. It seems to me rather than a positive fact is the unit that are being strengthened between me and Rosaria Maria. We have a lot in common, but what links us is the desire of living well the ideal, till dying for it.

However, first of all I must find a good relationship with God, to be ready, to say of yes, choosing Him every day and taking care of the others(14).

Then I would like an other thing: don’t fall in love with Antonio because, it’s not good for me.He’s got some other interests far from Bari. It is strange, but he is so different from the other men. One what is sure: I do not want to create illusions because I do not want to hurt again.

Any desire? There are so many, but the biggest, the most beautiful one, more important is opening my heart to God and to the others, discovering the great value of the Ideal. After all, if I am here today it’s because the Eternal Father wants that.

Bari, 6 May 1987 h 9,10 p.m.

I'm so sad!
I can’t do enough. I feel so confused and I don’t understand how much can be important the Eternal Father.

Maybe everything depends on my fear for exams, I don’t concentrateto and I do not understand the meaning of the study.

Today I heard Sestilio talking to Roberta and Vincenzo about the matter og Mario Mazzoccoli, but they didn’t said anything. Why Sestilio trusts therefore in these persons,... maybe i am jealous....
Mario and Ciccio , if admited, won’t take less than 42. What anger!

I see that the Father is asking me all this and it means that He knows that I can manage. That’s the occasion to live G.A., my G.A. He tried the pain (15)) and then I can try to love him. It is however a little difficult because I really do not feel the unit of the others, but I must trust in them and in the presence of G.I.M.

Notes:
1. Cfr. I Cor 10,31.
2. Gv 17,15
3. Cfr. Gen 32,23 sgg.
4. That is Mary under the cross (cfr. Gv 19,25).
5. Cfr. Mt 5,8 ("Blessed souls the pure ones of heart") e Sal 50,12 ("Creates in me o God a pure heart").
6. Cfr. Mt 6,10.
7. Mt 4,7.
8. As in the parable of the lost little sheep (Lc 15,4 sgg).
9. As, an example with Abrham (cfr. Gen 22,1).
10. Ez 36,26.
11. Cfr. Gv 19,26.
12. Cfr. Mt 10,39.
13. Ez 36, 26.
14. Cfr. Mt 7,3.
15. Cfr. Mc 14,33.

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